Why Am I Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men?

You’re not alone if you’re asking, “Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable men?”

Although you know what you want most of the time, you end up picking the complete opposite.

Many individuals find themselves asking why they are attracted to emotionally unavailable men in such circumstances. You keep wondering why your partner treats you the way they do.

Yes, most of these emotionally unavailable men will say that they are committed to your relationship.

However, you will observe the complete difference when you look at their behavior. You start wondering what their priorities in life are and whether there is any chance you are part of it.

Emotionally unavailable men will seem to put you down every time you want to commit. These are the type of men who will make it seem as though you are quite needy.

If you have been here, then you know how hurtful and confusing it can be.

Whenever you have such feelings around your man, you will most likely go out with an emotionally unavailable individual. According to them, their life experiences have taught them not to get connected to another individual.

Emotionally unavailable men are labeled as ‘avoidant’ when it comes to the science of love. However, understand that they perceive themselves as independent non-needy individuals. Most people in such situations always compromise a lot while trying to find the closeness they need.

It is never healthy when you start lowering your standards for an emotionally unavailable man. Soon enough, you will start feeling that the relationship is one-sided. Yes, you are giving everything you can, but your partner is not.

In this article, we will take an extensive look at why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. We will also look at some of the signs that you are in a relationship with these types of men. Finally, we will give you a few pointers to help you deal with the situation.

Why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men

1. The modern dating world

Did you know that the modern dating world is filled with emotionally unavailable men? They are fiercely independent and don’t want any closeness. Most of the time, they will be the first to end the relationship.

A recent study revealed that men who entered new marriages after a divorce was quite likely to get divorced again. Understand that these people suppress their emotions, making it a simple task to forget their partners instantly.

You can probably deduce from the above that avoidant tend to be all over the dating pool. They also stay here for quite a long period since they quickly forget their past relationships. We have to agree that secure partners don’t need to meet countless partners before they settle down happily.

With secure partners, they also commit the relationship immediately starts taking form. They quickly get into long-term relationships, which means that they are off the dating pool. You won’t find them rushing to the dating pool with secure men immediately something goes wrong with their relationship.

According to other studies, emotionally unavailable men will avoid women who are classified as avoidant. Two emotionally unavailable people don’t have the right kind of chemistry to stick together for long periods.

These men are more likely to date someone who has a different attachment style. They need someone willing to make that extra effort. Yes, they won’t appreciate the effort, but it is the glue that will keep you together during the short dating period.

Understand that avoidants get recycled back into the modern dating pool quite quickly. The probability of scoping these men up is, therefore, quite high. There is also the fact that these people can’t date women with the same problem since they both need space.

Sometimes you might be attracted to emotionally unavailable men because they are the only kind that you meet often. If you keep on finding yourself in a similar situation, then the common denominator is you. Ensure that you define your attachment type to help you find a fulfilling and lasting relationship.

2. You are emotionally unavailable

Remember what we stated earlier, emotionally unavailable people don’t work well together. This, however, does not mean that they don’t often get into some relationship before breaking things off within a few weeks or months.

Many women have been through many pain, heartbreaks, sleepless nights, and headaches in previous relationships. When you go through such issues, you will find yourself struggling with shyness, self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy.

You might then find it almost impossible to be vulnerable and authentic. When you are heart is broken a few times, you will start putting your guard up. This is quite common and understandable since we all don’t want heartbreak after heartbreak.

Holding back the emotions you were previously accustomed to will redefine who you are in your next relationship. You will get attracted to emotionally unavailable men since they seem to be the perfect solution at the time.

These men don’t talk about commitment and long-term agreements, which sounds perfect at the time. You find yourself thinking that such a relationship will not damage you. However, soon enough, such a relationship won’t be fulfilling. Neither of you will want to put in the work to build the relationship.

What you need to do is start taking that courageous step towards being more authentic and vulnerable. Yes, there is a possibility that you might get hurt. However, in the pursuit of finding your soulmate, the pain is worth it in the end.

Understand that holding back your emotions will only cause you more heartbreaks and pain. Getting into different relationships with emotionally unavailable men for short periods is not the answer. You have to start becoming more authentic and vulnerable in your next relationship.

3. You are a fixer

Sometimes you might find yourself constantly attracted to emotionally unavailable men who need healing. In some instances, you might be a fixer and not know about it. What this means is that you find yourself wanting to ‘fix the man.’

This is quite common in people who are what we refer to as a sensitive soul. You might also have a history of codependency or caretaking. What you are attracted to is the pattern of helping emotionally unavailable men.

Being a fixer can turn out to be a rather dangerous thing in most instances. Understand that you will create a toxic pattern that eventually leads to an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Some people just can’t be fixed, and you need to accept that.

Since you are a fixer, you will spend more time in such a relationship than you should. Now, even when things go wrong a few times, you might find yourself holding on. This can be quite unhealthy, especially when it starts becoming physical.

What you need to do is accept that emotionally unavailable men can’t be fixed. I know this can sound a little odd to you, but it is the truth. You need to stop fixing other people and start working on yourself. Look for a partner who is vulnerable and willing to work on the relationship.

Now, the downside of being a fixer is that emotionally unavailable men will leave you feeling out of balance and unfulfilled. This is because you are giving out much more than you should. You will, therefore, end up being scared for long periods once you put an end to the relationship.

Getting less than what you put into a relationship can be traumatizing. You will need a lot of attention and healing once you cut off these toxic relationships. Take the time to work on healing before you jump into the dating pool.

Signs that you are involved with emotionally unavailable men

Did you know that most people don’t know that they are involved with emotionally unavailable partners until it’s too late?

We have that inborn instinct to do the right thing, help those in need, and show love. It is, therefore, quite normal for many individuals not to identify when they are involved with emotionally unavailable men.

You only come to this realization when it is too late, and you have no choice but to walk away.

The problem with holding on to these types of men for long is that they cause a lot of damage. You need to identify when you are involved with such a person early enough. You can then quickly do away with continuing with your search for the perfect soulmate.

Below are the top signs that should help you identify whether you are dating an emotionally unavailable man early enough.

1. They are in a different relationship or married

I know you might be thinking that he will probably get a divorce soon to be with you. However, this might never happen, and you might end up being the third wheel for several years. Sometimes they might be in a different relationship and promise you that they will end things soon.

What you need to understand is that emotionally unavailable men don’t pay any attention to your feelings. You don’t mean a lot to them, and they can always walk out at any time. It would be best if you ended these types of relationships as soon as possible.

2. Lack of commitment in past relationships

An emotionally unavailable man will find it quite difficult to commit. It would be best if you asked a lot of questions about their previous relationships. Try to figure out how long each of the past relationships lasted. Doing this should help you gauge their level of commitment.

It is always better to find someone who gets committed too soon than find someone who hardly commits. It is natural for people to repeat the same patterns over and over again. What makes you think that he will commit this time when he never has?

3. Mainly interested in sex

Don’t get me wrong, and I know that sex is an important aspect of any relationship. However, connecting both spiritually and emotionally is also a huge part of the relationship. When all he seems to want from you is sex, then you need to walk away.

An emotionally unavailable man will hardly want to discuss any issue. They hardly listen to what you say and fall asleep almost immediately after the sex is done.

4. Practicing substance abusers and alcoholics

When you are in a relationship with a man who is an alcoholic or substance abuser, they are probably emotionally unavailable. I am talking about the individuals who are currently using drugs and alcohol.

5. They prefer the long-distance type of relationships

A man who plans some sort of future with you will want to introduce you to friends and family. They will also want to spend a huge percentage of time with you. Be wary when your partner prefers texting and emailing rather than spending time together.

6. Mixed messages

A huge indication that you are dating an emotionally unavailable man is mixed signals. You will start finding yourself questioning whether you are reading your partner right.

Sometimes they flirt with others, and at times they seem like they only have eyes for you.

Emotionally unavailable men are also narcissistic and full of empty promises. It would be best to learn these signs to help you discern when you are in a relationship with emotionally unavailable men.


To break this vicious cycle, you need to start by recognizing that you have a problem. Then you can question your motives when getting into different relationships. Finally, you have to reexamine your values and find someone who shares the same goals and aspirations as you.

Understand that you need to be vulnerable and honest in your relationship. You have to drop down all the walls of resentment and hatred you have built throughout your past relationships. It is time for a new beginning. Learn how to share your true self and build intimacy with your next partner.

Move away from emotionally unavailable men and start dating with a purpose. You will soon find yourself in a loving and committed relationship with a man who is worth it.


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